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Let Yourself Fall Apart

what i thought i knew i didn’t know. never in a million years did i ever think i would be grieving a partner i so dearly, passionately love with my mind,body and soul. its mind blowing and scary to know how life can take a turn for the worse when it seems just yesterday passion was raging from every part of my existence..then one day you see yourself on the bathroom floor balled up like a vulnerable child trying to pick of the pieces of your life…crying and desperately wanting to be consoled but there’s no words nor actions that can console or diminish the hurt and pain your heart feels…holding on to the memories and emotions that it brings b/c you’re too scared the feelings that  the memories have given will slowly fade with no existence they it ever occurred. desperately wanting to believe the memories were real and not just a fantasy you built up in your mind. 

today i read an article called “Let Yourself Fall Apart”…to me it means vulnerability..allowing yourself to be vulnerable and feel all the emotions-sorrow,despair,anger,hatred,alone,scared,vulnerable,fearful….and abandonment 

today i give myself permission to fall apart bc now i believe through it all grace will find me and speak life back into my soul. 

 

Here’s the link to the article http://www.rebellesociety.com/2014/01/03/let-yourself-fall-apart/

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I watched the funniest moments of “Toph”,a blind, quick tongue character from a Nickelodeon series ” Avatar:Last Airbender”. It made me realize how out of touch I have been with my inner child. She’s been calling me to reconnect with her. The more I do the more I realize it’s my “true self”. My intent is to nurture my inner child..watch cartoons, get out and play, be imaginative, paint, travel, interact and just enjoy life. How do you nurture your inner child?

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Connecting with my inner child

before my lover passed i never understood the importance…and i stress the “importance” of “experiencing life”…not just existing but thriving..growing..loving..being in the moment…enjoying and embracing those moments that seem to fly by..holding on to those moments and hoping like hell those moment of sweet serenity don’t slip through your fingers like a grain of sand to only become a memory.

i never understood before how i abandoned my inner child..i never knew due to death of my lover it has all caused me to feel abandoned..a scared lonely, helpless and hopeless child..not knowing where to go nor what to do…seeking some kind of security from somewhere..constantly on the search for answers in books, on websites from friends yet never taking the moment to look within due to fear. fearing of facing my “true self”..my inner self..my inner child b/c of past memories i have suppressed over the years and now they are looking me dead in my face.

today, i choose to face my fears of my inner child b/c she’s been calling…she has been calling me to rescue her and no longer forget her and i have forgotten her.i have forgotten that little girl who was free-spirited, whimsical, carefree and filled with magic and life.over the years, i abandoned myself due to many things-fears, anxieties, unworthiness, yet hoping someone or something would take care of those feelings now to  realize that something is compassion/love/nuture and that someone is “me”

i will start nurturing my inner child through self care, not denying all that i am….facing my fears and stand in my truth regardless what that truth is…i can no longer deny that part of me b/c although i have been running nonstop..she’s been right there the entire time looking for that love and compassion….and i say to that little girl in me “please forgive me for abandoning and neglecting you. i am truly sorry…i am here with you now. not to judge you or change you but to love and nurture you.

i love you

-Me-

“Getting in Touch with Your Inner Child”

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Get-in-Touch-with-Your-Inner-Child-Sandra-Magsamen/5

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Writing a Book

Hello Thursday…i have been contemplating on writing a book…which has been inspired by my twin flame…i have considered titles of the book and i decided to make it a digital book although i would like something tangible that you can hold in your hands:touch,feel,smell….

 

the book will be about my journey of falling in love…my journey of running away from love and myself…my journey of learning to look in the mirror and love the girl staring back…my journey of accepting all that i am and all that i am not…my journey of learning that love is..a…powerful..force…

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12/15/12 which is the day my twin flame fell in love with me yet i didn’t know i was in love with her too….tonight i choose to watch the movie “Love Jones”..the first movie we watched the first night we stayed up until 2am texting sweet nothings..

have you ever asked yourself the true meaning of “Love Jones”?

Love Jones-An Attraction for someone; you’re feigning for them in every way…physical and mental

i have a blues for S.S.S…in 10 minutes it will be 12/15/13 and i want you to know you have done a number on my heart…

thank you.

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Reblogged:Bye Bye Past Hurt & Trauma

this morning as i was going throughout my Twitter newsfeed  i noticed a post by Mastin Kipp, author of “The Daily Love”.  It was titled “Bye Bye Past Hurt & Trama”…i immediately clicked on it to read what inspiring and wise words he had to share.

still healing and mourning the death of my partner has been a rocky road and i have found myself feeling so many emotions in one day and many times all at the same time. i found old wounds opening up  and the one that is at the top that will not go away is feeling abandoned at the age of 4.  at the age of 4 my mom was admitted into a mental hospital and my sister and i moved in with my aunt and cousins.  being that young i had no idea what was going on. i feel displaced and lost. i feel scared …all i wanted was my mom.

i later found out she was diagnosed with schizophrenia . i didn’t realize how her illness placed a wedge in our relationship as i became an adult until i lost my partner.  the lost of my partner brought up the feeling of being abandoned and displaced all over again…this helped me to focus on the real issue and the real problem for me was feeling unworthy,feeling unloved and abandoned …feeling left alone…i realize  at 33 i abandoned myself…i abandoned that 4 year old little girl..

my focus is to nurture the 4 year old little girl in me and love who I am…by doing this I am noticing my relationship with my mom is improving..i had no idea how my heart had become harden..my soul had become bitter and angry at my mom ..angry at anyone who was trying to love and nurture me…feeling scared i would love them and they would leave…never realizing love also starts from within .  By being inspired by the below article: Today, i choose to let go of past hurt, pain and trauma and start loving all that i am and sharing that love with those around me

 

BYE BYE PAST HURT & TRAUMA 

 

If something really gnarly happens in your life and then you go seek help, in Western society many caretakers will tell you that you had some kind of “trauma.” And then boom, once you hear that, you identify with it and then, in some cases, that trauma becomes your identity, not just an event that happened in your life.

Let us review the definition of trauma from the good ole Merriam Webster:

Trauma (N):  A disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or emotional stress or physical injury.

A lot of people get so identified with what happened that they stay there; always identified by what happened, and in many cases, they use that identification as an excuse not to grow.

Now, I am by NO MEANS diminishing the fact that crazy shit happens in life. Bad things happen to good people. There is a lot of suffering in the world. But that doesn’t have to be where we LIVE!

You see, there are some key words in Webster’s definition. The first word is “state.” The state you are in changes during the day. Sometimes you are in a sleep state, sometimes you are in a groggy state, sometimes you are in an excited state, and if you are lucky enough to be with a partner you Love and end up getting busy with them, you can be in a pretty excited state, too! (devilish grin)

We humans can be in all kinds of different states. The state that we go into when we experience a trauma is totally normal and natural. But afterwards, because we are co-creators of our life, the state we stay in is up to us. This is why I love it when Tony Robbins said that there is no such thing as a victim, because once the event happens, it’s up to us to choose to stay in a victim identity or choose an empowered story and become stronger.

I can hear some of you right now screaming, “YES MASTIN BUT I WAS ________!” and then fill in the blank. I’m not saying that these things didn’t happen and that in that moment you aren’t a victim. Of course you are. But after that moment happens, how you live your life, where you choose to live emotionally, is up to you and the meaning you give the events of your life! Moments of victimhood happen, but a life of being a victim is chosen. We become a victim of our choice to identify with a moment of trauma, instead of choosing to grow past it.

The goal is not to avoid pain or to deny what happened to us; the goal is to learn that we have the power within us to change and that starts by not letting an event define us. Painful events happen. So when they do, give them an empowering meaning instead of choosing to relive them over and over. Don’t make the trauma that you felt your identity.

Who you are is infinite; you are a child of The Uni-verse and you have been sent here with a specific gift that is only yours to express. The events that occur are meant to shape us, to mold us and to help us step into who we are supposed to be. You are not broken. You do not need to be fixed. You are eternal and a part of a Loving Uni-verse that supports you. Give us your gift. Don’t stay stuck in a moment and let your whole life be defined by one event. You are so much more than that!

As always, the action happens in the comments below, leave a comment and join the conversation! The TDL Community thrives in the comments and it’s a GREAT place to get support!

Love and unstuckness,

Mastin

P.S. If you are ready to get out of your head and into your heart so you can start living the life of your dreams, join Mastin on The Daily Love Enter The Heart Tour! We still have stops in Las Vegas, Vancouver, San Diego and Honolulu! RSVP here.

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Day 3 of 21:”Confident Me” –Meditation Experience with Deepak Chopra

i just came back from vacation in Texas. i went to visit my family and i can say i woke up this morning feeling renewed and ready for my day. i have been doing  daily meditations on youtube but decided to change it up. today, i have chosen to join Deepak Chopra & Oprah on this 21 Day Meditation Challenge.  today’s meditation and mantra is “abundance flows freely and easily through me”

if you want to join the 21 day meditation challenge..please click the link https://chopracentermeditation.com/

 

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